SPIDERS!!!!!!!!
Disclaimer: By the way, if you have an intense fear of spiders, you shouldn't have viewed those pictures.
So, I like our new rental house. It is pretty private, and quiet, and we have all major appliances. But, our new house is filled with bugs. I don't want to be an alarmist, and say the word infested here, but I AM an alarmist, so INFESTED is RIGHT!
Though we live out in the country now, it stills seems insane for this many bugs to be shacking up inside the house with us. We have found several spiders ranging from almost-not-scary, confidence-boosting small to OMFG-golf-ball-sized-! large, including one nasty customer clinging to Sean's shirt in the closet. I'm unsure about the message this fashion police spider was trying to convey. I'm assuming it was, "please kill me for being so shallow about clothes". REQUEST GRANTED.
We have also found a few other random bugs, and some ants in the kitchen cabinet, resulting in me scrubbing the hell out of every cabinet like it had syphilis on it, and filling the offending cabinet with Raid ant traps. I have officially seen more ants than previous, so Raid can officially suck it.
We decided we were going to hire out for an exterminator, but then decided it was way too much money to pay for what will probably give us cancer. So I have been researching like a mofo on the internet about how people used to solve bug problems before all this carcinogenic spraycan bullshit and before they had the internet to tell them how.
My research has shown that spiders are a lot like vampires, in that one: that they are overpublicized assholes, two: they have fangs and hide in the dark waiting to eat your face, and three: they have their own personal kryptonite/garlic.
A spider's kryptonite includes lemon Pledge (can't cross the lemon Pledge line, bitch!) various essential oils, chestnuts, hedge apples, tobacco, and eucalyptus. Unfortunately, hedge apples are hard to find, and tobacco is also a Meredith repellant, but I can sure as hell fill my house with lemon Pledge, crappy decorative eucalyptus branches and fancy oils!!
I was planning to build a dreamcatcher of eucalyptus to put over my head at night, but my paranoia has led me to find out that king-size eucalyptus SHEETS are in the works for manufacturing. Sure, it might be a pipe dream just like bamboo sheets were, but either way, I know what I want for Christmas! So, I'm not sure if you can donate bedsheets over PayPal or not, but the button is to the left.
Another suggestion the article had was to get a cat, because they are natural hunters. Immediately I thought, I can't get a cat, Shadow will eat it alive. GET REAL, internet! It is amazing how warped my life is sometimes. But seriously, Shadow has no interest in hunting bugs or doing anything a normal cat does. He has transcended the concept of doing anything, much less anything that could be construed as the least bit servile. As I type, he is sitting on my lap right now, trying to lay across the keyboard and interject his own radical opinions on the matter, about how cats were worshipped in ancient Egypt or some shit.
I can also use the spiders in my secret drug lab:
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