Time Machine: Me in 2003.

I kept an online diary when I was in the last year or so of high school. It mainly was an outlet to just write about the boring events of my day, and talk about everything I did with my friends so I would sound more popular. But a few times, I was really on to something entertaining.

Here's an entry from September 20, 2003, in which I wrote a book review. It scares me that I might have been more funny at age 16 than I am now!


"I found this incredibly weird book yesterday when I actually went in my playroom at my dad's house. I haven't actually been in there in like a year, haha. It's called Please Come Home: A Child's Book About Divorce. Obviously something my mother bought me to 'help me cope'....This book frightens me.

Let's investigate:

This is in NO way biased at all.....2 women put this together, so it's obviously anti-father....and that's not how divorce always is, dumb bitches.

So, it's "a book about divorce...and learning....and growing." Multi-tasking.

I'm not going to type the whole book, just excerpts that struck me.

This is about some little piss-ant named Jenny, and her best friend is a talking Teddy bear, named Teddy. If your Teddy bear is your only social outlet, I don't think divorce is your biggest problem.

"Last night they were yelling at each other again. She was afraid Daddy might hit Mommy."

Whoa Whoa Whoa...how token stereotype is this? Just because people get divorced does not mean the dad is some violent psychopath.

"Mommy said, 'Daddy wouldn't have left if he loved you.'
She thought, 'I'll never speak to my Daddy again!'"

Isn't this just teaching all children that their fathers don't love them? I think this is more a book to teach single mothers how to phase their baby's daddy out of their life.

"On Saturdays she visited Daddy. It was fun at the park, but she always cried when he brought her home.
On her birthday Daddy sent a package, and she told Mommy, 'I don't want it.'
Mommy seemed pleased and sent it back to Daddy."

That doesn't even make sense! I don't even understand the relevance except that Mommy is 3vil.

Later on, after Daddy gets a girlfriend and Mommy works all the time, Jenny has a nervous breakdown after bedtime.

"Jenny cried big wet tears on Teddy's nose and said, 'Daddy doesn't want to be with me and Mommy is too busy to talk to me. NOBODY LOVES ME ANYMORE.'
Teddy looked her right in the eye and said, 'Now listen carefully because this is very important:
YOU ARE LOVEABLE!
YOU ARE PRECIOUS!
YOU ARE SPECIAL!"

And underneath it says: (And Teddy made Jenny repeat it 50 times!)

....

This girl obviously needs psychological help. Staying up chanting to her stuffed animals at all hours of the night. My Teddy bears never talked to me during my parent's divorce....Maybe I just had asshole Teddy bears.

Now, at the end of the book, after the divorce is final, Jenny has a breakthrough.

"Jenny smiled and told Teddy, 'When I was little I used to think that every child whose parents were still married was better off than me. Now I know some are much worse off.'
And Teddy said, 'OH! You are SO smart!'
Jenny said, 'I used to think I'd hurt forever. But I don't'
And Teddy skipped a step and said: 'I'M SO HAPPY I JUST CAN'T STAND IT! LET'S HUG!'"

What the fuck kind of book is this for children to read?! At the end there is a list of ways to help a child with divorce--BORING.

So what have we learned?

1. Daddy is always bad, and will desert you.
2. It's okay if Mommy yells at you, she will buy you ice cream.
3. Underwear is NOT a present!
4. Teddy is likely bipolar.
5. YOU ARE LOVEABLE! YOU ARE PRECIOUS! YOU ARE SPECIAL!

Fuck me gently with a chainsaw."

That last bit is a quote from the black comedy Heathers that my best friend and I used to be obsessed with.



Hurray for nostalgia!